HONOLULU (AP) — The State of Hawaii has virtually claimed responsibility for being rendered the bane of the now-disgraced United States Military Academy football team of West Point, N.Y.
Hawaii—established as the 50th state in the union, an influential province in the Pacific Rim, known for being the formative home of many successful American football players—through the Governor's Office, claimed responsibility for putting the "Black Knights" in "a hole they could never get out of," per a spokesman at an impromptu press conference outside Iolani Palace.
The University of Hawaii Rainbow Warrior football team of Mano'a initiated the two-step operation of drawing the highest of enmity from the Long Grey Line in a complete offensive showcase at the Aloha Stadium proving grounds on 30 November 2019. The Warriors routed Army to a man 52-31, effectively ending Army's fleeting attempt in vain to qualify for a Football Bowl Alliance-sanctioned college bowl game at the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Division I Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS), the highest level of collegiate American football in the country.
Intelligence agents were notified via morbidly obese armchair warrior spies attached via eyesight to bleeding-edge devices called high definition (HD) televisions that the United States Naval Academy football team of Annapolis, Md. had completed the second and final step of the two-week cross-country operation at approximately 1315 HST at the Lincoln Financial Field battleground located in Philadelphia, Pa. The battleground is the designated home of the Philadelphia Eagles Football Club of the National Football League (NFL), the USA's professional American football competition. The full time score read: Navy 31, Army 7. Where the Black Knights were felled by the Warriors' aerial attack and the Fortuitous Farmer, Cole McDonald two weeks prior, a superior option attacked employed by the Naval Academy and Commodore Malcolm Perry ensured Army ended their ill-fated campaign on a two-match losing streak.
The Midshipmen, as they are referred to as, are managed by Kenneth Va'a Niumatalolo, a graduate of the University of Hawai'i in 1989. Niumatalolo is also a longstanding member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or the LDS (Mormon) Church. The Church's designated university, the Brigham Young University of Provo, Utah, is Hawaii's designated opponent in the 2019 Social Finance, Inc. (SoFi) Hawai'i Bowl.
As for the Midshipmen, their final opponent to close out their productive 2019 campaign are the Wildcat football team of Kansas State University of Manhattan, Kan., in the 2019 AutoZone Liberty Bowl at the game's namesake stadium in Memphis, Tenn. The Wildcats team manager, Christopher Paul Klieman, was formerly the manager of the Bison football team of North Dakota State University in Fargo, N.D., an established multiple champion at the second-tier NCAA Division I Football Championship Subdivision (FCS).
A full report on the endlessly expansive amounts of a so-called odorless, tasteless, mindlessly senseless gas called "shade" inflicted on the regressing legacy of Army West Point Football against the State of Hawaii will be disclosed at an unspecified date. Preliminary reports have indicated that the date is listed as...never.
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J.R. Salazar is a former association football writer and current photographer, blogger and Final Fantasy XIV gamer. Visit him on Instagram at @joryansalazar and on Tumblr at @bongaboi.
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